Starring: Mike Myers, Jessica Alba, Justin Timberlake
Directed by: Marco Schnabel (debut)
Written by: Mike Myers (“Austin Powers International Man of Mystery”) and Graham Gordy (“War Eagle, Arkansas”)

It’s been six years since comedian/actor Mike Myers wrapped up his Austin Powers trilogy with “Goldmember,” and since then hasn’t returned to the writer’s chair until now. With “The Love Guru,” it only takes him 90 minutes to prove that six years away wasn’t long enough.

In the film, Myers plays Pitka, a love guru who is brought to Canada by Toronto Maple Leafs hockey team owner Jane Bullard (Jessica Alba) so he can mentor their star player Darren Roanoke (Romany Malco), who hasn’t been playing up to standard because of a broken heart. His girlfriend has left him for Jacques Grande (Justin Timberlake), a hockey nemesis who is famous for being anatomically blessed.

Pitka takes the job when he finds out that if he cures Darren, he can land a guest spot on the Oprah Winfrey Show and becomes as famous as real-life guru Deepak Chopra (cue the Chopra/Oprah gags).

Mike Myers is a child in a man’s body and sometimes children, although they have good intentions when they stand up in front of a group of adults and tell a joke, just aren’t that funny. He might have a few good musical numbers left in him, but building an entire movie on puns, vulgar surnames, bodily fluids, and acronyms is fatal filmmaking.