January 13, 2009 by  

My Bloody Valentine


My Bloody Valentine

Mine shafts are never a good place to be when someone with a pick axe is after you.

Starring: Jensen Ackles, Jaime King, Kerr Smith
Directed by: Patrick Lussier (“Dracula 2000”)
Written by: Todd Farmer (“The Messengers”) and Zane Smith (debut)

If you believe in first impressions, 3-D live-action horror movies isn’t a genre you’re going to want to get attached to after seeing the remake of the 1981 film “My Blood Valentine.” It’s grotesque, grim, and gimmicky without an ounce of campiness for horror fans looking for something other than the monotony of watching another masked killer flailing a sharp object.

Set in the “inbred mining community” of a town called Harmony, county sheriff Axel Palmer (Kerr Smith) is up to his waist in dead bodies when a killer wearing a jumpsuit and miner’s mask starts bludgeoning citizens with a pickaxe. His calling card: He likes leaving human hearts inside boxes of Valentine’s Day chocolates (I thought those things were cherry cordials!)

Since the murders are taking place on the tenth anniversary of the town’s Valentine’s Day Massacre where local man named Harry Warden goes nuts and murders 22 men, women, and children, people of Harmony think he has returned even though he was always presumed dead. Others believe the murders have something to do with the return of Tom Hanniger (Jensen Ackles), a former Harmonian whose father owned the town’s mine before passing away. Then there’s Axel himself, who becomes a bit jealous when Tom vies for the attention of his wife Sarah (Jaime King).

Like last year’s “Journey to the Center of the Earth 3-D,” there’s really no reason to sit through a movie like this without the special effects, which are considered groundbreaking by some viewer’s standards. While “Journey” had its major problems, at least it had 3-D meteor showers and an angry dinosaur to distract you from the waifish plot. In “My Blood Valentine,” you get a few pickaxes to the face and a flying severed head to keep you entertained for 90 minutes not to mention daytime soap opera acting and some terrible dialogue.

And what about the big fiery explosion that combusts through the silver screen during previews for the movie? It happens in the waning moments and will make you flinch far less that the popcorn-tossing moviegoers in the commercial have you think.

Grade: D-

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