Starring: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner
Directed by: Bill Condon (“Kinsey,”)
Written by:  Melissa Rosenberg (“The Twilight Saga: New Moon”)

If you’re like me, a male in his early thirties, your introduction to the “Twilight” series of books  came by way of a wife or girlfriend who became utterly obsessed with them, swooning over the overlong tales of Bella Swan, the unremarkable teenage girl everyone loves for some reason, and her romance with Edward Cullen, the handsome, eternally-teenaged vampire who falls madly in love with her, again for reasons unknown, and the love triangle it creates when Native American werewolf Jacob Black also falls in love with Bella because, hey, why not?

If your significant other was anything like my ex-girlfriend, she was so taken with these crappy novels written for teenage girls that she started to buy into the idea of epic romance and glared at you with disgust because yeah, maybe you did practical stuff for her like scrape the ice off her windshield on cold mornings, but you weren’t punching werewolves in the face to save her life like Edward was. Never mind the fact that she was damn near 30 years old, she wanted some chiseled, dangerous, sparkly-skinned creature of fantasy to profess his undying love for her, not some regular guy with oily skin.

As far as the “Twilight” movies go, the filmmakers have so far done little to attract people who weren’t already pre-disposed to liking the books (read: men).  Stocked with attractive-yet-terrible “actors” and peppered with crummy special effects, the films deviated little from the novels, content with just puking the prose onto the screen with little regard for how stupid much of it looked and sounded when performed by real human beings. Sure, the fans of the book series ate them up, making them huge hits at the box office, but none of the films have actually been any good. But at least they weren’t as skull-crushingly terrible as “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1” is.

The movie opens with the cast preparing for the wedding of human teenager Bella (Kristen Stewart) to dashing vampire Edward (Robert Pattinson). Of course this angers Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner), who hilariously rips his shirt off in a rage during a rainstorm after hurling the wedding invitation to the ground. After he phases into a werewolf and runs away 15 seconds into the movie, everything grinds to a halt. In what is clearly an effort to make people pay to see another whole film next year, the decision was made to divide the final book of the series into two movies. The result is a movie that moves so slowly it threatens to go back in time.

Director Bill Condon (“Kinsey,” “Dreamgirls”) fills the first hour of the movie with narrative molasses like an interminable wedding scene that feels like it takes place in real time and a honeymoon scene that features our main characters playing chess, whereas the second hour ramps up the insanity while still moving at a snail’s pace. It’s tough to accomplish, but “Breaking Dawn Part 1” manages to make truly crazy things like life-sucking demon fetuses, arguing wolves (!),  and vampire C-sections completely and totally boring.

The title of the movie is a threat. Consider the phrase “Part 1” to be a dire warning that “Part 2” is coming.

4 Responses

  1. I agree that the first hour of the movie moved rather slowly… but the last 45 minutes of the movie made up for it. It had action, emotions, and a cliff hanger! It reminded of those old black and white movies of werewolves and vampires — which one is going to win? Of course not with all the technical computer inputs that we have now… hahaha.

    Let me also tell you, I have not read the books, i barely saw the first movie maybe 6 months ago with my husband by accident at my daughters home. My husband remarked that wasn’t as bad as thought it would be. I said yea, it was pretty good. It had a plot and the characters were likeable, well at least most of them!! But we werent like all gah gah gah over it.

    Then that was it, no second thoughts. I never saw the second film. Then this was the only movie available last weekend when we were available… and off we went to see another adventure. And we were surprised that we enjoyed this film… all last 45 minutes of it.

    I will sign off saying we are TEAM Bella and Baby!! Hahahaha

  2. Sounds like you are hung up on your ex-gf being on Team Edward. This was supposed to be a movie review not an episode of Oprah/Dr Phil. Plus get your skin checked out, too much oil can lead to herpes.

  3. WOW!! sounds like you are still hung up on your EX. I thought this was suppose to be a moview review, I had to read like 2 paragraphs before i could even read about the movie. You put more effort into bashing your ex (that probably dumped you)than the actual movie.

  4.  We are all  entitled to our opinions but as “movie critic” I expect your reviews to be fair and not have your personal life substantially interfere or take over these reviews.  I’ll admit that I read the first book after the initial craze and found it to be entertaining, but did not become overly obsessed with the series.  I believe women of all ages should be able to enjoy this series without having a critic like you bash them. As a man in your early 30’s I bet you enjoy the transformers movies and all those other comic book movies. Will you ever give those movies a D-?? I saw this movie and believe it is a C+ as it was a bit slow at the beginning. Your review on the other hand deserves a solid F. I hope the cine snob thinks twice before posting another one of your reviews.

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